Letting Go

I have tried. I have really, really tried - fo over 7 years I have given it my all. I just can’t do it anymore.

I am sad to say that everything changed when I got pregnant with Dylan. When Terry and I first started dating years ago, I got pregnant and lost it. We had only been dating for a very short time (very short time), then about 3 years later, I got pregnant with Dylan. The first time around, he was so excited, the second time, things were different.

He told me so many times that I was trapping him and other stupid comments like that. He was so not involved with the pregnancy at all. He went to one doctors appointment with me and it was after I turned into a total bitch and flipped out on him for not being there for me. He wouldn’t even take two hours off of work to come with me to my ultrasound. When my water broke, he drove me to the hospital and was there through the delivery - as soon as they took Dylan out of the room for the first time, my life changed forever.

When they took Dylan out of the room and were bringing me up to my room, he decided that he was going to go home and take a shower and all of that, my water broke at like 4am and I delivered at 8:40am so I didn’t blame him for wanting to go home and shower and all of that, I just never realized that my world would change as he walked out of the door.

He didn’t come back until like 9pm, he spent the day hanging out with his brother driving around doing god knows what all day long. He showed up the next morning for a few hours then left again and didn’t return until much later that night. I left the hospital on a Sunday morning, he didn’t come and get us to bring us home, my mother did. He said that it was better because he had a truck and she was driving a car, which does make sense - but he couldn’t come with her or at least come and see us that morning, I spent the entire time by myself, I knew I was going home that day so I was up early, probably at least 6 or 7 am and didn’t leave until almost 1pm in the afternoon.

I came home to find that he had our apartment full of his friends hanging out and they were all there the entire night before drinking and hanging out…apparently he deserved one last night of freedom.

After we got home, I was the only one that ever woke up with Dylan during the night, the only one that changed his diapers, the only one that fed him - Dylan was almost a year old before Terry ever changed a diaper and it was only because he was forced to.

I can count on one hand the number of time he helped pay for diapers or formula. He refuses to help pay for a babysitter, he just doesn’t feel like he has to, he actually tells me that I am screwing him over when I tell him that he needs to help me with these things.

I’m lucky, my babysitter is basically family, and I literally pay her half of what I would pay ANY other babysitter in the area - private home care, day care, nursery school…ANY other one, literally half. But he thinks that he shouldn’t have to pay that much. So I get screwed and have to pay for it all.

His stepfather’s truck is insured in my name, it was Terry’s truck but when he got a new one we gave it to his stepfather…who NEVER helps pay for the damn shit so I get stuck paying that because if I don’t, then my shit gets suspended, and I have a problem telling people no - I know, I’m stupid!

He hasn’t helped me in almost a year pay for the electric bill, the gas bill, the cable/phone/internet - the only thing he does help me pay for is half of the rent, and when I do finally get that out of him (usually at least a week late) he starts screaming at me again telling me how I am always screwing him over and if it wasn’t for me he would have this and that, and the only reason he is stuck here is because of me and how I have ruined his life and all of this other bull shit and how “this is it, I’m done, I want nothing to do with you, I’m leaving you…” all because I told him that I needed help to pay the rent.

It’s IMPOSSIBLE for me to pay all of our bills on my own, I just can’t do it. I can’t handle this stress anymore.

I have decided that I am leaving Terry. I have to leave Terry in order to maintain my sanity. My mental well being is depending on it.

The shitty part is, at the moment, I don’t have the means to actually leave him.

He has to work on Saturday, I am going to spend the day going through my stuff and getting rid of stuff that I don’t need anymore - clean out the closets and all of that. I am going to try to get everything that I don’t need around here moved into a storage unit (my mom has one that I can put crap in for a few weeks).

My Aunt recently moved her mother in law from an apartment into a nursing home and they have an sleeper sofa and washer that I can have - so I am going to see if my brothers can go and get them and put them into the storage unit so that when I am ready to move out I have the stuff.

Since we moved in with each other - we have slowly gotten nice new things, Terry believes them all to be his, and frankly he can keep it all for all I care - it just makes it that much easier for me to move out. So basically all I will be taking are the contents of Dylans bedroom, the dressers and such from my bedroom (everything but the new bed…since ya’ know, that’s “his”), a bunch of crap from the kitchen and my desk and computer, and the pictures - he can fucking keep everything else, I couldn’t care less. He acts as though him keeping the dinning room set is going to make me stay. Oh yeah, and our clothes and what not.

My brother got Dylan a dirt bike which is in Terry’s garage along with some other crap that is mine, somehow I need to get in there and get that stuff out before I move out…he will never let me get into there again.

I can tell him that my brother is going to take the dirtbike for a tune up and all of that…to make sure that it continues to be safe so that we can get it out of his garage and get it either into my brothers garage or my mothers storage unit.

I need to start saving up some money, I guess Christmas is going to be a bust this year, but it will make for a better life down the road.

I am going to take a day off of work next week and find out what I need to do in order to get income based housing so that I can get out of here…it will be the only way that I can afford to get out on my own and someday get ahead, just a little.

I have applied for a few new jobs this week with a company that allows employees to go work from home (usually within six months in the position) if I can get one of those, I can keep Dylan home with me and no longer pay for a babysitter which will save me over $400 a month, now I need to get his stepfather off of my car insurance, which will save me another $100 a month - $500 savings right there - that could possibly be my rent depending on what % of your income they base it on…I am keeping my fingers crossed that this all works our within the next two months.

By my birthday…November 4th…I want to be out of here, I NEED to be out of here… I am determined to be out of here by my 26th birthday so I can finally start my life over.

Things have been crazy latley. So it has been a while since I last wrote.

We moved, and things have been so much better, a change is obviously what we needed. That place was driving us insane.

Dylan has been off the walls!

Today, while he was telling me about his day.

"Mama's peed on the bed all by herself!"
"That's bold"
"You can't pee on the bed, on the red blanket! That's YUCKY!"

*As he starts cracking up laughing*
"That's so silly, her is crazy!"

Really, I have no idea where he comes up with some of this stuff! (Mama's is the babysitters dog...her name is actually precious, but Sir Dylan call's her Mama's! LOL)

Yesterday, when we got home from work/the babysitters, he goes into his room and comes running out..."Me just got to go a-nite, OK?!"...by all means, if you want to go to bed, have at it! I could use the break!

Latley, he has decided that he is going to take at least 3 hours to go to bed every night, he comes out of his room like 300 times telling me he is "scared" for one reason or another, or "me just have to give you a kiss" or whatever else he can come up with...I might be in the need of Nanny 911! LOL

With that being said, why do people always find the need to ask you dumb questions/give you advise when you are clearly not looking for it? Today while outside on a break, I was chatting with a co-worker, she asked me if things were getting better with Sir Dylan (we had been talking about the above issue a few weeks ago...because yes, this has been going on for the past month), I started to say that while things are still not good/what they used to be with the sleeping situation, but we are getting back to it - when someone chimes in (mind you, not a "friend", not even a "work friend" just someone who chimed in - asked me something like "Do you let him come into bed with you, because kids like to play games like that just so they can go to sleep in your bed"

Ok, (1) did I say/you hear anything about an issue with him coming into my bed? (2) I have no problem with him coming into my bed if he wants to - if that is gonig to make him more comfortable and get him (and me) a good night sleep (3) why is it any of your business how I parent my child or who I let sleep in my bed?

Really, I don't mind getting advice, I actually like it, she just pissed me off in her condicending tone! I just wanted to slap her - I controled myself, but I was tempted to at least get a little bitchy, but I bit my tounge! Something I have thankfully learned to do...I would get myself into trouble if I didn't.

Well, since Dylan is actually sleeping - I am going to get some sleep in myself while I have the chance

Hey

It has been quite some time since I last wrote in here. Things have been pretty crazy with school and everything, sometimes I think I have really gotten myself into something, but then I manage to somehow keep my head above water.

Last week, I had the flu, and it SUCKED! I don't think I have ever been that sick in my entire life, to make things worse, I passed it along to Dylan. My poor baby was so sick for days, and there was pretty much nothing I could do about it except let him sleep it off.

We are going to Daytona a week from Friday, I need this vacation, I can't wait. To make things even better, I should be getting my new car by the end of next week, I am looking into a Santa Fe, they have nice space but are not that bad on gas and are a larger type vehicle so I will feel safer driving in it.

Well, a quick update.

Later

December 11, 2007

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I miscarried at 5 weeks, so we are trying again. I was very upset for a few days but realized that I would much rather have this happen so early on - I guess it was natures way of saying "Not Yet".

We got our Christmas tree today and are going to decorate it tomorrow. It has been raining for a few days so the tree was wet so it had to wait. We also got an electric fire place, I love it. We also re-arrainged the living room and dinning room so the tree looked better. After it is decorated tomorrow I will take some pictures. I also need to go and get a few more decorations to put up around the rooms. I love this time of the year.

Well, I have a ton of school work to get done, finals are next week so I should get to work.

Goodnight!

Starting a Business

I have always wanted to start my own business, I just never had a clue what I wanted to do. I want it to be something that I enjoy, that is fun, and I will want to get up everyday and do.

Today, while baking away like crazy, I started thinking...how fun would it be to open a Candy type store, with homemade fudges, chocolate covered fruits, things like that..like a Coffee Shop with these types of goodies...all the things to make a working mom very happy during a break or on her lunch...a place you think of when you want to get someone some special comfort food...I think it would be fun.

I am going to start some plans, see what I can come up with.

Alone

That is basically how I feel. One day, it feels like things are getting better between Terry & I, like they might actually eventually work themselves out, then the next day it is right back to where we started.

I wish I knew what it is that is so bad about me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this? Don't I deserve to be loved and treated well? Why is it so much better to make me feel like a piece of shit?

I am just, sad, all of the time. I don't know how to fix it and I really don't know what causes this feeling, I think it is just a little bit of everyting lumped together and it just makes me feel...worthless, and I hate that feeling!

It has been a very very very long time since I have felt so worthless and helpless, I feel like I am wasting the time of everyone in my life because no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.

No matter what, I will obviously NEVER be good enough for Terry. He has made that perfectly clear, I just can't force myself to leave, I keep praying that things are going to get better, but I know that he will never be happy with me, but I don't want to let him go. Terry & Dylan are my life, I don't know who I am without them. That is who I am Terry's girlfriend and Dylan's mom, I am nothing without them, but I am starting to wonder if I am anything to them?