Letting Go

I have tried. I have really, really tried - fo over 7 years I have given it my all. I just can’t do it anymore.

I am sad to say that everything changed when I got pregnant with Dylan. When Terry and I first started dating years ago, I got pregnant and lost it. We had only been dating for a very short time (very short time), then about 3 years later, I got pregnant with Dylan. The first time around, he was so excited, the second time, things were different.

He told me so many times that I was trapping him and other stupid comments like that. He was so not involved with the pregnancy at all. He went to one doctors appointment with me and it was after I turned into a total bitch and flipped out on him for not being there for me. He wouldn’t even take two hours off of work to come with me to my ultrasound. When my water broke, he drove me to the hospital and was there through the delivery - as soon as they took Dylan out of the room for the first time, my life changed forever.

When they took Dylan out of the room and were bringing me up to my room, he decided that he was going to go home and take a shower and all of that, my water broke at like 4am and I delivered at 8:40am so I didn’t blame him for wanting to go home and shower and all of that, I just never realized that my world would change as he walked out of the door.

He didn’t come back until like 9pm, he spent the day hanging out with his brother driving around doing god knows what all day long. He showed up the next morning for a few hours then left again and didn’t return until much later that night. I left the hospital on a Sunday morning, he didn’t come and get us to bring us home, my mother did. He said that it was better because he had a truck and she was driving a car, which does make sense - but he couldn’t come with her or at least come and see us that morning, I spent the entire time by myself, I knew I was going home that day so I was up early, probably at least 6 or 7 am and didn’t leave until almost 1pm in the afternoon.

I came home to find that he had our apartment full of his friends hanging out and they were all there the entire night before drinking and hanging out…apparently he deserved one last night of freedom.

After we got home, I was the only one that ever woke up with Dylan during the night, the only one that changed his diapers, the only one that fed him - Dylan was almost a year old before Terry ever changed a diaper and it was only because he was forced to.

I can count on one hand the number of time he helped pay for diapers or formula. He refuses to help pay for a babysitter, he just doesn’t feel like he has to, he actually tells me that I am screwing him over when I tell him that he needs to help me with these things.

I’m lucky, my babysitter is basically family, and I literally pay her half of what I would pay ANY other babysitter in the area - private home care, day care, nursery school…ANY other one, literally half. But he thinks that he shouldn’t have to pay that much. So I get screwed and have to pay for it all.

His stepfather’s truck is insured in my name, it was Terry’s truck but when he got a new one we gave it to his stepfather…who NEVER helps pay for the damn shit so I get stuck paying that because if I don’t, then my shit gets suspended, and I have a problem telling people no - I know, I’m stupid!

He hasn’t helped me in almost a year pay for the electric bill, the gas bill, the cable/phone/internet - the only thing he does help me pay for is half of the rent, and when I do finally get that out of him (usually at least a week late) he starts screaming at me again telling me how I am always screwing him over and if it wasn’t for me he would have this and that, and the only reason he is stuck here is because of me and how I have ruined his life and all of this other bull shit and how “this is it, I’m done, I want nothing to do with you, I’m leaving you…” all because I told him that I needed help to pay the rent.

It’s IMPOSSIBLE for me to pay all of our bills on my own, I just can’t do it. I can’t handle this stress anymore.

I have decided that I am leaving Terry. I have to leave Terry in order to maintain my sanity. My mental well being is depending on it.

The shitty part is, at the moment, I don’t have the means to actually leave him.

He has to work on Saturday, I am going to spend the day going through my stuff and getting rid of stuff that I don’t need anymore - clean out the closets and all of that. I am going to try to get everything that I don’t need around here moved into a storage unit (my mom has one that I can put crap in for a few weeks).

My Aunt recently moved her mother in law from an apartment into a nursing home and they have an sleeper sofa and washer that I can have - so I am going to see if my brothers can go and get them and put them into the storage unit so that when I am ready to move out I have the stuff.

Since we moved in with each other - we have slowly gotten nice new things, Terry believes them all to be his, and frankly he can keep it all for all I care - it just makes it that much easier for me to move out. So basically all I will be taking are the contents of Dylans bedroom, the dressers and such from my bedroom (everything but the new bed…since ya’ know, that’s “his”), a bunch of crap from the kitchen and my desk and computer, and the pictures - he can fucking keep everything else, I couldn’t care less. He acts as though him keeping the dinning room set is going to make me stay. Oh yeah, and our clothes and what not.

My brother got Dylan a dirt bike which is in Terry’s garage along with some other crap that is mine, somehow I need to get in there and get that stuff out before I move out…he will never let me get into there again.

I can tell him that my brother is going to take the dirtbike for a tune up and all of that…to make sure that it continues to be safe so that we can get it out of his garage and get it either into my brothers garage or my mothers storage unit.

I need to start saving up some money, I guess Christmas is going to be a bust this year, but it will make for a better life down the road.

I am going to take a day off of work next week and find out what I need to do in order to get income based housing so that I can get out of here…it will be the only way that I can afford to get out on my own and someday get ahead, just a little.

I have applied for a few new jobs this week with a company that allows employees to go work from home (usually within six months in the position) if I can get one of those, I can keep Dylan home with me and no longer pay for a babysitter which will save me over $400 a month, now I need to get his stepfather off of my car insurance, which will save me another $100 a month - $500 savings right there - that could possibly be my rent depending on what % of your income they base it on…I am keeping my fingers crossed that this all works our within the next two months.

By my birthday…November 4th…I want to be out of here, I NEED to be out of here… I am determined to be out of here by my 26th birthday so I can finally start my life over.