Don't Touch Me!

Yes...that would be the latest and greatest from Dylan... he is so, cute!

So, here is a day worth of Dylan comments...

It all started this morning, when Dylan wakes up, he likes to spend close to at least the first half hour in his room, playing with his toys, alone...it is strange for a 2 year old, but he does...Terry went into his room to get a kiss before he left for work - Dylan plays this game where when you ask for him a kiss or a hug he says "Noooooooo" as he begins to laugh uncontrolably, it's hysterical. Anyway, he says no and Terry says yes and they go back and forth a few times and Terry gives him a kiss...Dylan says "get offa me!" Terry and I both walked away trying not to laugh but couldn't help ourselves.

Then, after work Dylan and I walked home from the babysitters house, he rode his bike while I pushed the stroller full of crap along side of him, now, a walk that should have taken at the most 15 minutes took 45...but he was being good, just taking his sweet time stopping every few feet or so to play around. We walk by a house that has a small flag of a kitten with a halloween get up on, he stops dead in his tracks promptly gets off of his bike and runs to the flag, he starts petting it as if it is a real cat and then looks at me and says "The kitty feel better?" then he leans down, kisses the kitten on the flag and then looks up at me again and says "The kitty feel better!" runs back to his bike gets back and and starts heading down the street. Oh this kid kills me!

We get half way to our house, there is a park along the way that Dylan has to stop at and get a drink of water out of the fountain, even when he is holding water in his hand while doing so - so he runs to the water fountain gets his drink, then gets right back on his bike and starts heading home - he reach the road and he says "Be bery careful, da cars are comin!"

Finally, we reach our house, I open the back gate into the yard - I put the bike into the yard and all of our bags, then he tells me that he wants to go ride his bike...but there is one problem, he wants to ride the bike that is in the garage...locked...ad Terry had the keys and obviously not home...he was pissed! I told him that we couldn't go to the garage because it is locked, he said, get the keys, I told him "Daddy has them" and he screams at me "Find um!"

I attempt to "trick" him into the yard - I tell him that he has to come with me into the house and help me find them...he replies with "I wait...right...here!" I start to walk over to him, and hold him by he arm...he yells "Don't...touch...me!"

OMG!!!

He is his mothers son!

Sunday

So, I am currently listening to the Dixie Chicks...don't ask, I have no idea why.

But anyway, I am listening to "Without You" and seriously except for the fact that Terry and I are still together - I still kind of feels like it fits, you know what I mean? I am being totally 100% serious, who would I be without Terry? I have no idea that I can ever answer the question, I couldn't imagine my life without him, he has become a part of me without me ever seeing it coming - don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I just wish I could remember when it occured, I wish there was some defining moment, but there isn't, honestly, I think that he completed me from the moment I met him. We still have our differences a lot of the time, but that is just because we are too much alike, we are both very stubborn and very hard headed...that combination does not make arguments easy!

But in the end, no matter what words come out of our mouths at the end of the night, we still love one another.

Who knows, maybe I am in the "depressing music" kind of mood due to my parents divorce being final, as of yesterday, when my father got the final paperwork in the mail. I feel lost in a way - I am turning 25 in less than three weeks and a major foundation of my existance is now over. As I am writing, I can't help but wonder what they are doing at this moment, is my father crying like I am, is my mother regretting being the one who started the paperwork aspect of it all? Although it was over anyway, does she feel like it is her fault? I know she does, on the very rare ocassion that we are discussing the topic, she starts to get teary and tell me how sorry she is for ruining our lives. While my broken heart wants to scream at her that she is, my logic and reason tells me to "...shut the hell up! You know that isn't true!"

At the end of the day, I want to curl up on my bed, lost in the blankets, with my mother by my side telling me that it is going to be ok. I want to be 15 again, yelling at my parents and slamming the door, knowing damn well when I finally opened it again, that they will both, together, be right there. I want Thanksgiving to not be akward, I want to wake up Christmas morning, with my family, together, whole, "normal" - I want everything to go back to the way it was, and that is the one thing I will never be able to have.

Seeing the two of them so lonely breaks my heart.

When people told me, "You can never go back home", I never appreciated that they meant that literally, I think that may be one of the biggest things of "growing up" that scares the hell out of me...I could handle being on my own, knowing that no matter what I could always go back...now, there is no where to go back to. Neither of them even lives in the same house, I feel like my memories have slightly been washed away, and I would do anything to get them back...to walk into a room and be overwhelemed with memories of events that happened within those walls, I can still see them in my mind, but somehow if does not feel the same.

Over the past two to three weeks, I feel as though I am drifting apart from my family, I can't help but wonder if it is me pushing them away - it is something that I am very well known to do! Regardless, I feel as if I am losing something, and since I have no idea what it is, I haven't got the slightest idea how to get it back...I am afraid that by time I finally do, it will be to late.

I guess I just feel broken, like a part of me is now missing, and I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel whole again, will I ever feel normal?

I have marriage on the brain latley! I don't know why all of a sudden...the thought just keeps running through my mind! Maybe it is because I am turnning 25 in the next few weeks, I don't know!

Marriage and babies, that is all that I think about all of the time! One of my best friends is having twin girls...I am so jealous! She is due in February, he shower is next month...I want twins! Maybe if I am lucky, Terry's father is a twin! Oh, what I wouldn't give!

Anyway, I still just can't get the thought out of my mind, I want to get married, I want to plan my wedding...pick out my dress, I want to do all of that! While I can look at things and dream, until he actually asks me I can't actually do any planning! Iwish I knew what the damn hold up was!

Well, enough for now!

Saturday

Today so far has been pretty uneventful...typical! Terry is in the shower, I had to do soooooo much laundry, I swear, it took all day! Then again, it has been a while since I did laundry because the washer is broken...still!

I have been thinking about getting one of those stackable washer/dryers, I know they are smaller, but I would probably be able to put it in my kitchen rather than having to go down to the basement to do laundry. The whole going downstairs isn't really all that bad it is better than a laundromat that I have been doing for the last month or so, but I live on a second floor apartment so it kind of bites!

We are supposed to go shopping, get some new clothes for Dylan, maybe some stuff for the house. Dylan needs new clothes, he has none that are season appropriate clothes fit him. He needs more pants and long sleve shirts.

I could use some new clothes, but that will have to wait!

Dylan is taking a nap, much needed if you ask me, he was getting rather cranky...and he is calling...

Nothing major...just wanted to make sure I was still home! LOL he is so cute.

Well, I am off to the shower...

So, I am still trying to figure out what it is exactly that I want to do with my life. I mean employment/work wise. Currently, I live in the Corporate world, and honestly, I hate it, everything about it - it's only good quality, the decent benefits that suck you and then trap you in.



They know they have you as soon as you sign the dotted line, I mean, how else could you survive with no benefits...after you have already had them? Maybe it is just me paranoid, but I swear, I have paid for medical benefits for many years now...well, 7 or so, and I probably go to the doctors (all three of us combined, 5 times a year...including routine things) so logically, I could not have benefits and afford it just fine...but in my pesemistic mind, as soon as those benefits are gone, something will go wrong, very, very wrong! It is just how my life works, I have learned to live with it.



Needless to say, I feel stuck, like it would be irresponsible of me to quit because I am not only throwing my benefits away, I would also be throwing Dylan's benefits away...*SIGH*



Besides, Terry and I have grown to like our way of living...kind of care free, we basically get whatever we want whenever we want because we know that our finances are stable enough to do so, at least realistically speaking. But what I wouldn't give just to be able to walk in and just quit...never to have to go back to work again, how wonderful that would be! So, I really cannot logically quit my job but I wish I could find something to do from home - like run my own business...but doing what? Seriously, I have skills and all that, but the great ones sadly are office type skills...my people skills are good, working both face to face and over the phone - though I have more experience over the phone...which is exactly what I DO NOT want to do with the rest of my life! I know I am good at many other things, but none of them actually interest me...e enough to keep my attention anyway.



What is a girl to do? If only we could get paid to be mommies!

It is so incredibley stuffy out right now, my eyes are watering, my head congested....it sucks! It
is muggy and pretty much uncomfortable.

My life has still felt pretty boring, I really don't know what my problem is, I wish whatever it is I could just get over it.

Dylan has not been such a handful for the last few days! Still a handful, just not as bad as he normally it!! I needed a slight break! I have decided that I need a vacation, I think that is half my problem, but we really don't have the money for it and Christmas is coming, I would rather just go overboard for Dylan and go on Vacation when we get our taxes.

I need a new car...for the love of god, that is the next thing I will work on!

Life hasn't felt as crappy this week as it did last week...which is always a good thing! My mood was starting to get to me!

Dylan has been so, well, maybe he is getting sick...he really hasn't wanted to do anything at all for the last few days, I felt like a cold may be coming on so maybe he feels the same way.

It is probably the weather last week it was high 70's this week low 60's...it happened overnight, it always does...one day beautiful and sunny, you blink and summer is over....cold, gray and basically crappy!

This is exactly what I hate about winter, I need to move to some sort of beach where it is sunny and warm at least 9 out of the 12 months a year, and when it does get "cold" I want 65-70 to be Freezing! I want to walk out of my back door to sandy beaches - oh what I would give!

Well, enough for now...

I don't know what my problem is latley, I have been so miserable.

I hate when I start to have bouts of depression like this, it has been a while since I have felt this crappy, I wish the feeling would go away.

About 7-8 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, nothing major, it more or less feels like a seasonal things (as soon as the weather becomes more fall/winter like - I turn into an emotional mess), logically, it would make sense to move to a location where this does not occur then it will no longer happen (or at least I think it won't), but I hate change...moving away I think would just be too much for me to handle...but I do dream about it, almost daily!

Originally, I was on medication, but it felt fake...it was not right for me, I always felt jittery with a false sense of happiness...at least this way I can feel my emotions...even if they do suck!

I think I am also going a bit stir crazy as previously mentioned, maybe I need a vacation or something!!

To make matters worse, I am turning 25 in less than a month...not that the age itself scares me...but I had so many hopes for myself, that I always thought would be accomplished by the age of 25...for example getting married and other things like that, and since I have not accomplished any of those things - it is getting to me.

I feel like Terry and I are always fighting with each other, I know that is getting to me, my blood pressure has to be through the roof, I can tell because I never get headaches and I have had one everynight for about two weeks (if not more) by now...I hate taking anything for headaches, but they get so fierce that you can't do anything but.

I guess, I just feel like complaining today...and, now I am done!

I am so bored and lonley - I have no life, I feel like I am always stuck in my house...like I am a prisoner within my own home.

My car is broken, it has been forever...nothing really all that serious, it needs a break line - so obviously serious enough that I cannot drive it - but you would think that being surounded by mechanics that someone would be willing to help me.

My father normally would do all vehicle things for me - but he is getting old and it is hard for him to get under the car without quickly being in pain (he has herniated disc's in his back).

Terry, well, Terry never does anything for me - I asked him a month ago to call the guy that fixes our cars, he still has not called him - I feel like he is trying to keep me stuck in the house.

I want to go and buy a new car, but I just can't afford one (not even a new used car), and I really don't have the money to get it towed to a garage then pay for the parts and the labor.

I don't know what to do anymore, all I feel like doing is crying but if I do then I feel like the people that try to keep me down are winning, I don't want them (him) to win anymore.

I want to be happy, is that to much to ask for? I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who enjoys being around me...when Terry & I started going out - we had so much fun together - I wished my life away always wishing for the next time we could be together - we would stay up all hours of the night just talking about anything and everything but now things are different.

I feel like I don't even know him anymore, I can't talk to him - no matter what I say it is a cause for a fight - and he is so hurtful when he fights with me.

I am so sick of hearing how all females are nothing but whores and that basically the only things that we are good for is cleaning, cooking and sex - I just want to be able to talk to someone - have a...friend.

I don't want to cry anymore - I want to be happy ad have fun like I used to.

I always thought that when I had children that I would have the family that people dream about - instead, I see other people together, see photos of happy couples and I cry - I want that, you know what I mean - when you can see the way that a guy looks at a girl and you can see the love in their eyes - when you can tell that they see nothing around them except for each other.

I want someone to hold me, take care of me, love me - but it feels like the more I try, the less happy I am, why can't I be happy!

For the most part, today was uneventful. Terry slept the day away...typical for a Saturday. When I first woke up I took an accounting quiz that was due today (always waiting until the day that it is due..I don't know why I can't break myself of this habit).

Dylan and I then went to his Uncle Mike's (he lives a few blocks away) Dylan rode his bike and was very excited about it... then we came home Terry and I changed our room up...we do that a lot actually, we get sick of looking at it and move everything around...it is a lot cheaper then moving every time you get bored with a place (which is what I really want to do...just move and get something new all together).

We were going to change the living room and dinning room up but decided to go shopping instead...nothing exciting..just wasting our money away at Walmart...something we do frequently.

I have a mid-term due Monday, I have no desire to do it...I should and I will, but I just can't get into it right now, instead, I am here writing about really nothing at all...just wasting time.

Terry is putting a movie in, I am not the biggest fan of movies...they bore me usually, but I will suffer through it I suppose...you know what, I can study for my test, that would make the most sense at the moment!

Off to study.

End of an Era?

I am not the biggest sports fan in the world. But I can still get into the excitment of it all.

With babseball, I am torn, I was born and partially raised in Maine, however mainly raised in New York, my mother Red Socks fan, my father Yankees (guess which one is from where!)

So basically, if either makes it for the season I can be happy, strange right, I think some would call me un-American because I just can't pick one or the other!! LOL

I can't help but be saddened by the latest Yankess news, not because they lost the series but because this may be the end of good o'l Joe Torre, it is hard to imagine the Yankess and Joe not going hand in hand.

I guess it is just yet another example of the great cycle of change we call life...sad none the less.

Regardless of what the future may hold for him, I hope he is happy, and also knows that regardless of how the season ended he is still an amazing man in the world of baseball coaching (honestly, the only baseball coach I know by name).

Joe...I applaud you for being a man of heart, determination and courage...please know that in the News Joe and the Yankess may not continue to go hand in hand - but in the hearts of fans to the game, at least of my generation, the two will always be a perfect match!

Changes...

Well, for changes to happen, you have to start somewhere right?

Since, as far as my "life" goes, I don't know really where to start yet, but I can start with my self image. I need to (for myself) lose weight, I am not going for anything major I am thinking somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds, enough just to make myself feel a little better.

I want to do something different with my hair too. I want to keep the lenght - I always do, but I need something different - a change in color would help to, I am thinking with a lot of highlights and some red - but keep the same main color, maybe take it a shade darker, at least for the winter months.

I have the next few days off from work, so I am going to go through all of my clothes and put away the summer stuff and throw away the stuff that has not seen the light of day for months or years, I am also going to go through all of Dylan's stuff, put away the things that he has outgrown - throw away the toys that are partially broken or missing parts, put away the toys that he has outgrown (saving for the next one!)

Well, not really in the mood at the moment to write all that much, off to read others!

It's time for some changes...

But what? I think that I bored, with my life and pretty much everything about it, I just don't know what it is exactly that I want to change, or what it is that makes me unhappy, but I do know that I am not happy.

I think that my problem is that I am about to turn 25, and I just have not gotten to the point that I thought I would be when I turned 25.

I guess that I thought that I would be married, have a family and possibly have a house, a good job - one that I actually like anyway.

I guess for the most part, I have basically accomplished most of that, just not in the way that I thought I would have.

I have a family, maybe not all that convential, but a good one, a great one. We have a nice apartment with nice things, so not the house but still a home. I am not married, but I might as well be...and I have a good job, well, an ok job but not one that I actually like all that much.

I guess, since I am actually pretty much where I wanted to be I shouldn't be complaining but for some reason it just doesn't feel right, I don't know why!

When it all comes down to it, I think I am just bored, I go to work come home and pretty much do nothing, go to bed and start it all over again...I mean, what do I have to compalin about, isn't that the way things work?

Maybe I just need a hobby! LOL

By the way...

He actually stayed in bed - if only this will continue to work - ignoring the "hold you" just so you will carry him into bed 700 times, and he will just fall asleep and I can bring him to bed.

He will catch on to me by the end of the week, but maybe by then he will be over it and stop doing it anyway - he is 2, the phases that he goes through never last long!

I forgot...Darcy (the babysitter) is going out of town to visit family, so I get a long weekend...maybe this time I can get our back room/office type room cleaned and the living room and dinning room.

We want to paint and stuff like that, I am pretty sure Terry is just as sick as I am of looking at the same old typicaly apartment ...everything, and I mean everything white - the walls, doors, trim, everything - we need color in our lives for crying out loud!

I have no idea what colors I want though...that is the tricky part - I am hald tempted to go with some crazy blue or geen color for Dylan's room, but I don't know if it will be too much - I mean, how far should I go with a theme - because anything I pick he will outgrow quickly with each new thing that comes out - but all of the shows and characters that he likes all have one common theme blue and green, so I think that I am going to use them - now I just need to figure out HOW blue and/or green. Our living room and dinning room are basically the same room with a nice arch way in between - but still the same none the less, so whatever we pick for both rooms has to go with each other, but I want nothing to do with them being the same color, the bathroom, I want like a sage green with a little pale purple and yellow somewhere in there (even if it is just towels and things like that).

The kitchen, don't get me started, it is aweful and stupid...the room itself is pretty big, especially for an apartment - but the set up is all wrong - on one wall there are two doors - one to our back porch and the other to the back stairs that go out into the yard (we live on the second story so we can't just go off the porch into the yard, so we get two doors), then, another wall has a window and then a sink and then a window...yes folks, the sink is not in front of a window - apparently the ideal location is in between two windows...I wish I knew what was wrong with people!! Then off to the next wall...we have this HUGE radiator that takes up all sorts of un-necessary space, followed by an even more ridiclious built in china closet type thing that has 27...yes count the 27 layers of ...you guessed it WHITE PAINT...followed by another door into our living room...random right? A door between your kitchen and living room? I don't know maybe that is just me..anyway, the final wall starts out all weird and indented like and then the stove that we are only able to move in one foot in either direction because it is a gas stove so it obviously needs to remain near the gas line...followed by ....any takers on a guess? Yup, another door....so, although there is "space" it is worthless....it drives me insane!

Did you notice that no where in that description was a dishwasher...that is because I live an aweful and horrible life and have to wash them by hand...I know sucks to be me! LOL

Basically, the only thing that we would really be able to do is paint it...that is the only thing worth doing anyway since it is not our house..but it could use any change that it can get!

Well, now that I am done rambling....off to bed

10/03/07

I have been so stressed out latley!

I wish I could find a way to get rid of all the stress, but I have no idea how to even begin. School is going ok, not as great as I would like, hopefully, I can get it together better next semester - at least then the classes that I don't really want to take but have to will be over with - I think that will make it much better.

Dylan has been such a handful latley, I am about to go crazy with him - he is so bold! Every night he tells me that he wants to go "na-nite" and then he goes and lays in his bed for a good half hour or so, then he comes running out and says "hold you" which means that he wants me to carry him back into bed, he does this about 15 times a night (on a good night) and then FINALLY stays there - right now, he is pouting next to me telling me to "hold you" but I refuse, I have already put him into bed 5 times in the last half our - he comes out FOR NO REASON...he wants nothing, nothing at all - just someone to bring him back to bed! I give into him everynight - I am so sick of it I am trying to ignore him, maybe he will go back by himself - or at least fall asleep on the couch and I can put him into bed one final time for the night!

Last night, this madness carried on until almost 1am!

I have had a rough few days, Terry has hurt me so bad, I don't think that he can ever understand - I have a new computer - first time with Windows Vista and all that so I am still learning all the new features and what not - so I cliked on a button and all of a sudden every web site and search he has done showed up - it was just the web site history but up until that point I had no idea how to find it - well, he was looking for naked pictures of a chick that we know - his friends wife none the less, I was FURIOUS...I have changed my password and won't let him touch the computer - I have made it a point to make sure I remind him how much of a scumbag he is and how F**KED up he is!

Well, he is on his way so I am going to stop writing!