So, my "friend" is driving me INSANE (please see blog below) so I decided that it wouldn't hurt to take an at home test...when I became pregnant with Dylan I was not all that in tune with my body so I was probably close to a month and a half pregnant by the time I found out...since I am sort of keeping track and now realize how important it is to understand my body and know what is going on with it...well, I wouldn't be that far along...
Anyway, I took the test and nothing really happened, well, I just went back and took a look at it (about 10-20 minutes later) and there is a VERY faint positive...the box came with two tests in it so I am going to check again in the morning (when you are supposed to take the test because there would be more of the hormone in your urine) and see what it says....KEEPING MY FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
It's Been A While...
So, I was off on vacation...I didn't go anywhere but home with my little man- it was great! A whole week just the two of us!
We are still TTC - my "friend" came in like clock work...but it only lasted one day - that was Friday, so I am going to buy a test on my way home...maybe this is our lucky month! Who knows, what I do know is that I am not going to get myself all worked up about it and then become disappointed when nothing happens...I will however be keeping my fingers crossed!
I got everything worked out with school, got my classes picked - I am waiting for a English class to open up a spot - one should open up at the end of the month when they purge everyone who did not pay their bill from the class lists! If not, there is always next semester so no big deal!
I am pretty busy at work right now since I am catching up from my week off...I will be back later!
We are still TTC - my "friend" came in like clock work...but it only lasted one day - that was Friday, so I am going to buy a test on my way home...maybe this is our lucky month! Who knows, what I do know is that I am not going to get myself all worked up about it and then become disappointed when nothing happens...I will however be keeping my fingers crossed!
I got everything worked out with school, got my classes picked - I am waiting for a English class to open up a spot - one should open up at the end of the month when they purge everyone who did not pay their bill from the class lists! If not, there is always next semester so no big deal!
I am pretty busy at work right now since I am catching up from my week off...I will be back later!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Work at home....
Why is it nearly impossible to find a ligit. work at home job?! Seriously, I don't want a telemarketing job from home, or to cash checks for some non-existing foreign company!!! LOL
I just want a REAL job, with a REAL company with all the fun stuff that you get with any other job (benefits, accountability, responsibility...) stuff like that! A normal job...just with hours that work for me and my family and allow me to spend more time with Dylan!
Is that really to much to ask for?! Uggghhhhh! I guess the only thing that I can do is keep looking, one has got to eventually come around. Right?!
I just want a REAL job, with a REAL company with all the fun stuff that you get with any other job (benefits, accountability, responsibility...) stuff like that! A normal job...just with hours that work for me and my family and allow me to spend more time with Dylan!
Is that really to much to ask for?! Uggghhhhh! I guess the only thing that I can do is keep looking, one has got to eventually come around. Right?!
No clever title...
I can't think of anything at the moment! LOL
Well, the weekend, we took Dylan to the drive in's on Friday night...we had a good time, it was nice, we got to watch a movie - bring Dylan with us, and not bother anyone because we were inside our own car!
Terry's truck was perfect for the drive in's - it has a second row of seats so when Dylan had enough of watching the movie he got to play - while the windows were pretty much up the entire way so his noise was not bothering others - it was private - it was nice! Then on Saturday - we must not have done anything to eventful...oh wait - I helped my mother with a fund raiser for the Avon Breast Cancer walk that she is doing in NYC in October - then Terry and I went shopping...our house needed everything so I feel like we spent an entire life savings between groceries and stuff for the house...always a good time!
Sunday, my dad cancelled dinner - he was invited to go somewhere with friends and he needs to get out more. So, we really didn't do all that much - cleaned the house and what not.
I got new end tables, a coffee table and one of those sofa tables yesterday! I LOVE THEM! I am either going to have to take pictures or find some online - I think that I am better of taking the pics so everyone can see what it looks like with my couch! We are supposed to be getting our new entertainment center and two shelf/cabinet glass things! I am so excited!!! Once we are done with that we need a few things for our dinning room and then it is off to the bedrooms! I love getting new stuff! It is like Christmas in July!!!
I finally got all of the paper work that I needed to send to the financial aid office and now I am just waiting to hear back to see what kind of financial aid and grants I may be getting or entitled to - I CANNOT wait! I wish I had it all right now so I could sign up for my classes and order/or get a new laptop! I am so excited to go back to school but at the same time I am kind of disappointed that I had not done it sooner! I don't know, I guess I was better off figuring out what it is that I wanted to do before I went back and waisted another 2 years of my life! Not that the first two years I spent in college were a waste - but if I actually thought about what I truly wanted to do when I grew up then I would be almost done rather than starting over!
Anyway! We have a bunch of corporate people around today so I guess that means that I must be productive! Until next time...
Well, the weekend, we took Dylan to the drive in's on Friday night...we had a good time, it was nice, we got to watch a movie - bring Dylan with us, and not bother anyone because we were inside our own car!
Terry's truck was perfect for the drive in's - it has a second row of seats so when Dylan had enough of watching the movie he got to play - while the windows were pretty much up the entire way so his noise was not bothering others - it was private - it was nice! Then on Saturday - we must not have done anything to eventful...oh wait - I helped my mother with a fund raiser for the Avon Breast Cancer walk that she is doing in NYC in October - then Terry and I went shopping...our house needed everything so I feel like we spent an entire life savings between groceries and stuff for the house...always a good time!
Sunday, my dad cancelled dinner - he was invited to go somewhere with friends and he needs to get out more. So, we really didn't do all that much - cleaned the house and what not.
I got new end tables, a coffee table and one of those sofa tables yesterday! I LOVE THEM! I am either going to have to take pictures or find some online - I think that I am better of taking the pics so everyone can see what it looks like with my couch! We are supposed to be getting our new entertainment center and two shelf/cabinet glass things! I am so excited!!! Once we are done with that we need a few things for our dinning room and then it is off to the bedrooms! I love getting new stuff! It is like Christmas in July!!!
I finally got all of the paper work that I needed to send to the financial aid office and now I am just waiting to hear back to see what kind of financial aid and grants I may be getting or entitled to - I CANNOT wait! I wish I had it all right now so I could sign up for my classes and order/or get a new laptop! I am so excited to go back to school but at the same time I am kind of disappointed that I had not done it sooner! I don't know, I guess I was better off figuring out what it is that I wanted to do before I went back and waisted another 2 years of my life! Not that the first two years I spent in college were a waste - but if I actually thought about what I truly wanted to do when I grew up then I would be almost done rather than starting over!
Anyway! We have a bunch of corporate people around today so I guess that means that I must be productive! Until next time...
Thursday, July 12, 2007
My Tuesday Night (sorry...posting late)!
The Lights went out on Broadway
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
**For the love of who ever...can we please get this damn power situation under control!!! I have had it up to whatever you can think of that is really really high!!! LOL
UUUggghhhhhh!!! Last night, again we went for a drive, it has been nice doing this - we used to all of the time, just get in the car and drive with no destination in sight! It is one of the things that I love to do with Terry - where we just get to spend time without people around to get in the way and cause drama! It is so peaceful! It was hard for a while when Dylan was really little, you can't just make him sit in the car when all he wants to do is run - but he likes the drives to!
So, we start driving - Terry says that he needs to get gas but he just didn't feel like stopping at that exact moment - we keep driving and eventually pass oh I don't know, some where around 27 gas stations all light up like the 4th of July with people coming and going happily pissing their life earnings away in gas...but no, he does not stop!
We start driving up to Saratoga...for those who are not from around this area it is about a 25-30 minute drive on the highway - we get off and start driving around the cute little city streets. Terry says that he really needs to get gas now because the truck is on "E" - ok, so there is a gas station within 5 minutes if we hit every traffic light along the way and get stuck in traffic....we reach the gas station - there are people lined up all around the gas pumps some standing next to their cars...people are coming in and out of the store - but it is dark..no lights...nothing - they are out of power - can't get gas, so I wonder to myself what the hell all of these people are doing hanging out at the gas pumps...apparently it was the cool thing to do on a Tuesday night.
We keep driving...we get to the other side of the town's little strip thing and there is power on the entire right side of the road but the left is without - the only gas station that I can remember that is on that road is on the what side? You guessed it...the left, and guess what ...no power and everyone hanging out at the gas pumps again like it is the cool thing to do!
So we drive, I keep giving him a hard time about how he is going to run out of gas and have to walk until he finds a gas station and at least it still isn't 90 and humid and he will be able to breath while walking (he didn't thnk that was as funny as I did!!! LOL) eventually there is a gas station...and Ladies and Gentleman...the LIGHTS WERE ON!!! There were people at the pumps, people walking in the store...but guess what...there was a sign on the door "Due to Power outages we are currently closed"....are you kidding me?! LOL the LIGHTS ARE ON...WHAT POWER OUTAGE!!!
Anyway, obviously we CANNOT get gas - BUT there is another gas station across the street - we pull up to the pumps and then....THE DAMN POWER WENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this point, this is seriously all comical - we are laughing and having a good time, I continue to bust his balls telling him that he is going to have to walk in the middle of no where FOREVER to find a gas station that he can actually get gas out of!
We decided to jump back on the highway and drive down there was power our whole way up in that direction...well, at least I didn't notice that there was not any until we needed gas...FINALLY 5 exits down the highway WE FOUND GAS...the store was open, they had power...it was lovely!
It was a good time!!!
So, this morning I wake up and turn on the news I need to hear what the weather is going to be because it has been changing every 15 minutes all week and I need to know how to get dressed for the day...well, I hear the traffic first...some ASSHOLE was driving the WRONG way down the highway - probably in the hammer lane doing 70 or something and hit a tanker truck...the highway is closed and they are re-routing traffic...to the road a block away from my house that I need to drive down to get to work because the damn building is on the same god for saken road! Uggghhhh! It took me 52 minutes to drive 3 miles and it should have only taken me 5 minutes! So, I think I am going to be cute and cut across another road...which would have worked perfectly if the frekin' lights on the road we were working and the worthless police department was directing traffic (and were not doing a very good job of it) - so again what should have taken me 3 minutes took 15 it was crazy! I am now at work and get to listen to people complain about how hard life is....you know it must be hard making $300 an hour just to be an attorney...and have no common sense or a brain in your head at the same time!!!
Ok, I am done! I will get off my soap box! I hope your morning started off better!!!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
**For the love of who ever...can we please get this damn power situation under control!!! I have had it up to whatever you can think of that is really really high!!! LOL
UUUggghhhhhh!!! Last night, again we went for a drive, it has been nice doing this - we used to all of the time, just get in the car and drive with no destination in sight! It is one of the things that I love to do with Terry - where we just get to spend time without people around to get in the way and cause drama! It is so peaceful! It was hard for a while when Dylan was really little, you can't just make him sit in the car when all he wants to do is run - but he likes the drives to!
So, we start driving - Terry says that he needs to get gas but he just didn't feel like stopping at that exact moment - we keep driving and eventually pass oh I don't know, some where around 27 gas stations all light up like the 4th of July with people coming and going happily pissing their life earnings away in gas...but no, he does not stop!
We start driving up to Saratoga...for those who are not from around this area it is about a 25-30 minute drive on the highway - we get off and start driving around the cute little city streets. Terry says that he really needs to get gas now because the truck is on "E" - ok, so there is a gas station within 5 minutes if we hit every traffic light along the way and get stuck in traffic....we reach the gas station - there are people lined up all around the gas pumps some standing next to their cars...people are coming in and out of the store - but it is dark..no lights...nothing - they are out of power - can't get gas, so I wonder to myself what the hell all of these people are doing hanging out at the gas pumps...apparently it was the cool thing to do on a Tuesday night.
We keep driving...we get to the other side of the town's little strip thing and there is power on the entire right side of the road but the left is without - the only gas station that I can remember that is on that road is on the what side? You guessed it...the left, and guess what ...no power and everyone hanging out at the gas pumps again like it is the cool thing to do!
So we drive, I keep giving him a hard time about how he is going to run out of gas and have to walk until he finds a gas station and at least it still isn't 90 and humid and he will be able to breath while walking (he didn't thnk that was as funny as I did!!! LOL) eventually there is a gas station...and Ladies and Gentleman...the LIGHTS WERE ON!!! There were people at the pumps, people walking in the store...but guess what...there was a sign on the door "Due to Power outages we are currently closed"....are you kidding me?! LOL the LIGHTS ARE ON...WHAT POWER OUTAGE!!!
Anyway, obviously we CANNOT get gas - BUT there is another gas station across the street - we pull up to the pumps and then....THE DAMN POWER WENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this point, this is seriously all comical - we are laughing and having a good time, I continue to bust his balls telling him that he is going to have to walk in the middle of no where FOREVER to find a gas station that he can actually get gas out of!
We decided to jump back on the highway and drive down there was power our whole way up in that direction...well, at least I didn't notice that there was not any until we needed gas...FINALLY 5 exits down the highway WE FOUND GAS...the store was open, they had power...it was lovely!
It was a good time!!!
So, this morning I wake up and turn on the news I need to hear what the weather is going to be because it has been changing every 15 minutes all week and I need to know how to get dressed for the day...well, I hear the traffic first...some ASSHOLE was driving the WRONG way down the highway - probably in the hammer lane doing 70 or something and hit a tanker truck...the highway is closed and they are re-routing traffic...to the road a block away from my house that I need to drive down to get to work because the damn building is on the same god for saken road! Uggghhhh! It took me 52 minutes to drive 3 miles and it should have only taken me 5 minutes! So, I think I am going to be cute and cut across another road...which would have worked perfectly if the frekin' lights on the road we were working and the worthless police department was directing traffic (and were not doing a very good job of it) - so again what should have taken me 3 minutes took 15 it was crazy! I am now at work and get to listen to people complain about how hard life is....you know it must be hard making $300 an hour just to be an attorney...and have no common sense or a brain in your head at the same time!!!
Ok, I am done! I will get off my soap box! I hope your morning started off better!!!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
If this is a dream...I would rather stay asleep...
So, a little quick FYI...when I was 18 - I was an idiot and screwed up my credit. I have been trying for the last year to get it all taken care of and have come across one struggle after another! It is stressful and exhausting! No matter what I did, I just kept falling even more behind and getting more buried in debt, please don't get me wrong - I am not thousands upon thousands in debt but it feels like it when I can't keep up with paying all of that off along with my current monthly bills, babysitters, food..you know, the stuff you need to survive!
Anyway, I NEEDED to get a small loan to just get a bunch paid off so that I could stop swimming in late fees and over limit fees and fees for fees...you know the drill, I of course could not obtain the loan by myself because of the past crap that I am trying to get paid with the loan! Make sense? So, I called my mom and asked her to co-sign, she was cool with that we have the same bank so they already had all her info and the bank called me back this morning and said that I was approved just needed to go in and fill out some paperwork.
The chick from the bank asked me if they could reach my mom at the same number they called her at yesterday - so I called her to warn her that they would be calling but I had no idea why, we figured that it was them probably telling her the same thing they told me but b/c she was going to co-sign they just wanted to call her also.
My parents separated a little over a year ago - my mom has struggled her entire adult life with finances (which is one of my main reasons for trying to get out from under it while I am still young enough to not get totally lost), she would give us (her kids) anything that we ever needed or asked for without ever second guessing it - she has co-signed for countless car loans and other things for myself and my brothers...the problem was that she herself was never able to be approved for those same things that she was able to co-sign for...it was really unfair for her...but she never complained...well, my mom just called me about 15 minutes ago...she says "I am so excited right now, I could cry" so, this being very unlike my mother of courses forces me to ask why (the response she was obviously waiting for)...well, the chick from the bank told her that the loan for me was approved and my mother so graciously thanked her, and then she says that they can see that for the last few years she has been doing great with all of the stuff that shows up on her credit reports...and they would like to offer her a line of credit....kind of like back up money should your checking account ever get screwed up...it you overdraft in anyway they will cover it and you don't get charged overdraft fees etc. (very cool!) but...that was not it they also offered her a pretty nice line of credit - are going to consolidate/pay off a few of her smaller credit cards and giver her a much lower interest rate (less than half of that she has now) and she will be left with more than half the credit they were extending to her remaining so she can actually go out and get herself something nice without feeling all guilty! It could not have come at a better time because her boss just asked her to fly out to MN (which she has to pay for up front and is then reimbursed for later from her work) but on such short notices in the summer her flights with corporate discounts end up costing over $1000 not including the car rental while she is there the hotels and everything else!
So....we both got great news today! I am so happy for her...she was only trying to help me and finally for once something worked out well for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I NEEDED to get a small loan to just get a bunch paid off so that I could stop swimming in late fees and over limit fees and fees for fees...you know the drill, I of course could not obtain the loan by myself because of the past crap that I am trying to get paid with the loan! Make sense? So, I called my mom and asked her to co-sign, she was cool with that we have the same bank so they already had all her info and the bank called me back this morning and said that I was approved just needed to go in and fill out some paperwork.
The chick from the bank asked me if they could reach my mom at the same number they called her at yesterday - so I called her to warn her that they would be calling but I had no idea why, we figured that it was them probably telling her the same thing they told me but b/c she was going to co-sign they just wanted to call her also.
My parents separated a little over a year ago - my mom has struggled her entire adult life with finances (which is one of my main reasons for trying to get out from under it while I am still young enough to not get totally lost), she would give us (her kids) anything that we ever needed or asked for without ever second guessing it - she has co-signed for countless car loans and other things for myself and my brothers...the problem was that she herself was never able to be approved for those same things that she was able to co-sign for...it was really unfair for her...but she never complained...well, my mom just called me about 15 minutes ago...she says "I am so excited right now, I could cry" so, this being very unlike my mother of courses forces me to ask why (the response she was obviously waiting for)...well, the chick from the bank told her that the loan for me was approved and my mother so graciously thanked her, and then she says that they can see that for the last few years she has been doing great with all of the stuff that shows up on her credit reports...and they would like to offer her a line of credit....kind of like back up money should your checking account ever get screwed up...it you overdraft in anyway they will cover it and you don't get charged overdraft fees etc. (very cool!) but...that was not it they also offered her a pretty nice line of credit - are going to consolidate/pay off a few of her smaller credit cards and giver her a much lower interest rate (less than half of that she has now) and she will be left with more than half the credit they were extending to her remaining so she can actually go out and get herself something nice without feeling all guilty! It could not have come at a better time because her boss just asked her to fly out to MN (which she has to pay for up front and is then reimbursed for later from her work) but on such short notices in the summer her flights with corporate discounts end up costing over $1000 not including the car rental while she is there the hotels and everything else!
So....we both got great news today! I am so happy for her...she was only trying to help me and finally for once something worked out well for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Just another day...
Our power went out last night! It was not fun, I got out of work at 5 and the thunder was already going. We stopped at the store and picked up some stuff for dinner yesterday and today, then we picked Dylan up, got home and made dinner - we ate and as soon as we were done (literally - put the fork down) the power went out - so that was right around 6pm - we didn't get it back until 4am.
Dylan thought that he was in trouble or was being bold...he asked to watch his movie (normal routine for when he is starting to calm down and relax for the night) but we obviously could not turn it on since there was no power - he kept telling me to fix it and when I explained to him that I could not fix it he asked Daddy to fix it...got the same story from him - I told him that we had to wait for the big trucks to come and fix it because it was broken and only they knew how to fix it - so he kept telling Terry to call the fire trucks to fix the movie - it was so cute...poor thing.
It is so humid today - thank god the power is back on because our second floor apartment would be an oven when we got home if it wasn't. And...Terry works outside all day so he lives for the moments he gets to finally be comfortable in the a/c!
Things have been great for the last few days...we had a big blow out (sort of) on Saturday...I think that after everything that was said and had to be said was put out in the open things have started to get better. Keeping my fingers crossed that this continues!
I have been having some trouble financially and it is really starting to stress me out, I am trying to get everything taken care of by the end of September and for the most part I think that is going to work for me but there are a few things that I know are not going to be handled by then and that causes some extra stress in my already stressed out world. I have decided that it is finances that make me miserable. Hopefully, I will be able to get out from underneath everything shortly. I am really trying, it just doesn't always feel like enough. Sometimes I wonder if I am better off filing for bankruptcy but I can't bring myself to do it, I am determined to get it all taken care of and not take the easy way out. But it would sure be nice to not have to deal with it anymore.
Well, I have to get back to work...I will be back later with some more updates when things calm down around here!
Dylan thought that he was in trouble or was being bold...he asked to watch his movie (normal routine for when he is starting to calm down and relax for the night) but we obviously could not turn it on since there was no power - he kept telling me to fix it and when I explained to him that I could not fix it he asked Daddy to fix it...got the same story from him - I told him that we had to wait for the big trucks to come and fix it because it was broken and only they knew how to fix it - so he kept telling Terry to call the fire trucks to fix the movie - it was so cute...poor thing.
It is so humid today - thank god the power is back on because our second floor apartment would be an oven when we got home if it wasn't. And...Terry works outside all day so he lives for the moments he gets to finally be comfortable in the a/c!
Things have been great for the last few days...we had a big blow out (sort of) on Saturday...I think that after everything that was said and had to be said was put out in the open things have started to get better. Keeping my fingers crossed that this continues!
I have been having some trouble financially and it is really starting to stress me out, I am trying to get everything taken care of by the end of September and for the most part I think that is going to work for me but there are a few things that I know are not going to be handled by then and that causes some extra stress in my already stressed out world. I have decided that it is finances that make me miserable. Hopefully, I will be able to get out from underneath everything shortly. I am really trying, it just doesn't always feel like enough. Sometimes I wonder if I am better off filing for bankruptcy but I can't bring myself to do it, I am determined to get it all taken care of and not take the easy way out. But it would sure be nice to not have to deal with it anymore.
Well, I have to get back to work...I will be back later with some more updates when things calm down around here!
Monday, July 9, 2007
The weekend has come and gone
And strangely, I feel more exhausted than when I started and really did not do anything at all. It was a pretty relaxing weekend, Friday night we pretty much just hung around...Terry and I got the rest of whatever argument we were having out of our system. Saturday, we started to put the garden pond into the back yard (you never realize how BIG those things are until you are digging the hole in the ground) and then it rained a little, we ordered some take put and watched movies - yesterday Sunday we were on a mission for a sandbox and seriously every store was sold out - who would have thought, we need to get some sand to fill in around the pond and some stones but did not find what we were looking for.
Then we had dinner at Dad's that was nice, John and Joel were each late so I got to hang out with him for a little while on my own, and Dylan was actually behaving for the most part. We went home watered the lawn for a little while Dylan was playing in the water, then we went for a ride and had ice cream, it was nice.
But, then for no reason I decided that I was not tired and stayed up later than I should have and I am paying for it now.
Hopefully I will get something in the mail or the fax from the student loan place so I can finish everything for going back to school, that would be a big stress lifted off of my shoulders!
Speaking of, I am going to actually see if I can get something done about that now...I will be back!
Then we had dinner at Dad's that was nice, John and Joel were each late so I got to hang out with him for a little while on my own, and Dylan was actually behaving for the most part. We went home watered the lawn for a little while Dylan was playing in the water, then we went for a ride and had ice cream, it was nice.
But, then for no reason I decided that I was not tired and stayed up later than I should have and I am paying for it now.
Hopefully I will get something in the mail or the fax from the student loan place so I can finish everything for going back to school, that would be a big stress lifted off of my shoulders!
Speaking of, I am going to actually see if I can get something done about that now...I will be back!
Friday, July 6, 2007
So this is what going over the edge feels like...
So, yesterday apparently was the exception rather than the norm.
As soon as I woke up this morning, it was back to being worthless. It is my fault that he did not wake up in time for work...I woke him up at 6am when the alarm went off, then again at 6:30 when he cell was ringing, then the alarm went off at 7 for me and he finally woke up...it is however my fault that he was not up when he was supposed to be...apparently that is not the responsibility of an adult...to make sure you are up in time for YOUR JOB!
Then, it was one thing after another so far for the rest of the day. I was about 15 minutes late calling him (from when I usually do) when I got off of my break...but when I came back inside I called the people about my student loans - I need paperwork from them in order to get financial aid for next semester that is going to start the end of August, and I still have so much to do before I can finally go back.
So, that was one fight. Then at 12:28 (keep in mind I take my lunch at 12:30) he calls flipping out on me because every time he calls me he gets my voicemail...he says... "What, do you talk on the phone all day".....ummmm...yes asshole...that is my job - I work in a CALL CENTER! Then, I left to go to lunch, everyday I go to his brothers...now apparently I am sleeping with the guy that lives in the apartment upstairs from his brother as well as the guy from my work...then he calls one of his brothers cell phones like 15 times while I was there (I am only there for about 20 minutes before I have to come back to work)!
I called him when I got back to work - he continued to fight and argue with me, I hung up - I told him that I just can't handle fighting with him anymore - he immediately calls back to explain to me that this is all my fault (it always is...) and calls again to tell me that he does not want to fight with me.
Normally, I would be a mess right now, barley able to function, crying, emotional... but, I'm not.
Surprisingly, I have no emotion at all at the present moment. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what that means exactly. Am i really over him? Am I really ready to just move on?
I wish I had the answer. Terry has become such a big part of my life, right now, I am regretting letting him in. The way that he has been acting, treating me like he owns me, talks to me like I am some 8 year old piece of shit that doesn't have the right to breath - makes me question every moment of my life for the past 7 years, I keep trying to remember why I was here to begin with - why I thought that "us" was even worth all of the trouble I feel like I am going through now.
I wish that I had the answers, I wish that I had the courage to leave and just move on....but, I can never make any decisions...I hate making decisions - they always haunt me later in life!
It is days like these that make me question everything I thought I knew, about myself, my life, where I am going and where I want to be - what ever made me think that I was an adult...I obviously can't get my shit together.
As soon as I woke up this morning, it was back to being worthless. It is my fault that he did not wake up in time for work...I woke him up at 6am when the alarm went off, then again at 6:30 when he cell was ringing, then the alarm went off at 7 for me and he finally woke up...it is however my fault that he was not up when he was supposed to be...apparently that is not the responsibility of an adult...to make sure you are up in time for YOUR JOB!
Then, it was one thing after another so far for the rest of the day. I was about 15 minutes late calling him (from when I usually do) when I got off of my break...but when I came back inside I called the people about my student loans - I need paperwork from them in order to get financial aid for next semester that is going to start the end of August, and I still have so much to do before I can finally go back.
So, that was one fight. Then at 12:28 (keep in mind I take my lunch at 12:30) he calls flipping out on me because every time he calls me he gets my voicemail...he says... "What, do you talk on the phone all day".....ummmm...yes asshole...that is my job - I work in a CALL CENTER! Then, I left to go to lunch, everyday I go to his brothers...now apparently I am sleeping with the guy that lives in the apartment upstairs from his brother as well as the guy from my work...then he calls one of his brothers cell phones like 15 times while I was there (I am only there for about 20 minutes before I have to come back to work)!
I called him when I got back to work - he continued to fight and argue with me, I hung up - I told him that I just can't handle fighting with him anymore - he immediately calls back to explain to me that this is all my fault (it always is...) and calls again to tell me that he does not want to fight with me.
Normally, I would be a mess right now, barley able to function, crying, emotional... but, I'm not.
Surprisingly, I have no emotion at all at the present moment. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what that means exactly. Am i really over him? Am I really ready to just move on?
I wish I had the answer. Terry has become such a big part of my life, right now, I am regretting letting him in. The way that he has been acting, treating me like he owns me, talks to me like I am some 8 year old piece of shit that doesn't have the right to breath - makes me question every moment of my life for the past 7 years, I keep trying to remember why I was here to begin with - why I thought that "us" was even worth all of the trouble I feel like I am going through now.
I wish that I had the answers, I wish that I had the courage to leave and just move on....but, I can never make any decisions...I hate making decisions - they always haunt me later in life!
It is days like these that make me question everything I thought I knew, about myself, my life, where I am going and where I want to be - what ever made me think that I was an adult...I obviously can't get my shit together.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
So if what goes up, must come down...
Then can the same thing be true the other way around? I seriously doubt it! But it is a nice idea!
Terry is currently admiring his yard work abilities! LOL...When we first moved into our apartment - it was like a jungle out there! No lie! There was NO grass, there was brush and branches all over the place! It was awful! But after the landlords moved out of the apartment downstairs last August we have been slowly turning it around. They had a dog that was probably too big for the size of the backyard so when she ran around, she basically ran on every inch of the backyard and destroyed it.
It is nice now...nice soft grass that you can actually run around on with Dylan without thinking that he may tear his foot open. It could be better...we still have to put our pond in and set that all up and some more flowers would be nice, but it is coming around!
I think that I want to paint the apartment, we have been talking about it - I don't know if we have determined what colors we want to use and I think that it is only polite that we Ok the colors with the landlords even though they already told us that we can basically do whatever we wanted to the place...they trust us not to destroy their apartment and make it hideous!
My friend who is 6 weeks pregnant had her first Dr.'s appt today - hopefully all went well, they have already told the world that they are pregnant and made a list of invites for her baby shower and given them to her sister - she is also already changing her apartment around.
I actually just got off of the phone with her - I think that she has finally started to calm down a little. Now that she realized that the whole process is a lot slower than she thought. She thought that she was going to hear the heartbeat and everything her first appointment - I attempted to tell her that she wouldn't but she didn't really believe me until the Dr. told her that it would not be until her next appointment and then she would be 16 weeks along.
I still am jealous - it still feels like everyone in the world around me is pregnant except for me. I have to be patient - obviously these things take time!
Well, the little man is ready to eat - time to get going
Terry is currently admiring his yard work abilities! LOL...When we first moved into our apartment - it was like a jungle out there! No lie! There was NO grass, there was brush and branches all over the place! It was awful! But after the landlords moved out of the apartment downstairs last August we have been slowly turning it around. They had a dog that was probably too big for the size of the backyard so when she ran around, she basically ran on every inch of the backyard and destroyed it.
It is nice now...nice soft grass that you can actually run around on with Dylan without thinking that he may tear his foot open. It could be better...we still have to put our pond in and set that all up and some more flowers would be nice, but it is coming around!
I think that I want to paint the apartment, we have been talking about it - I don't know if we have determined what colors we want to use and I think that it is only polite that we Ok the colors with the landlords even though they already told us that we can basically do whatever we wanted to the place...they trust us not to destroy their apartment and make it hideous!
My friend who is 6 weeks pregnant had her first Dr.'s appt today - hopefully all went well, they have already told the world that they are pregnant and made a list of invites for her baby shower and given them to her sister - she is also already changing her apartment around.
I actually just got off of the phone with her - I think that she has finally started to calm down a little. Now that she realized that the whole process is a lot slower than she thought. She thought that she was going to hear the heartbeat and everything her first appointment - I attempted to tell her that she wouldn't but she didn't really believe me until the Dr. told her that it would not be until her next appointment and then she would be 16 weeks along.
I still am jealous - it still feels like everyone in the world around me is pregnant except for me. I have to be patient - obviously these things take time!
Well, the little man is ready to eat - time to get going
And it goes on...
So, I am still confused about everything that has been going on.
Terry had borrowed a laptop from his brother so that he could get some pictures that he had saved onto it - so I was using it also while it was at our house (we have a computer but it is a pile of crap so we never use it).
Everyone and their brother uses this laptop...there is AIM on the computer and seriously there are 15 different user names of different people that have signed onto the AIM with that laptop. I do not have an AIM account, I have not used instant messengers since I lived at home with my parents and had dial up AOL in 1999 (or maybe even earlier than that) so, needless to say I have not used it in YEARS...and some people have their passwords saved so all that you have to do it click sign in - so he takes it upon himself to sign into someones AIM account (probably his niece since her initials are TT and that was basically the entire screen name) and is reading the messages that people are sending...this apparently is only there because I am up to something - it was a 10 year old AIM that he was signed into - all of the messages were talking about Summer 07 and how it is finally here...but that apparently is all a big cover up and really I downloaded the AIM to the computer and was talking on it to people and then closing it out when he came into the room.
He is starting to get a little out of control. I told him to call his brother and ask who's screen name it was - hoping that would ease the situation because I do not even know who's it was...and he says...don't worry I will find out who's it is....CRAZY! He is CRAZY!
Everything is starting to take it toll on me, I am running out of the emotional energy that I need to get through the day - I can feel the effects that it is taking on me physically, and I know this is not a healthy relationship, but I can't help but keep trying. We used to have the best relationship in the world, he was my best friend, now I feel like I don't even know him and he does not even care to know me anymore.
A few months ago I was talking to a guy at work...harmless, we were just friends, he has a girlfriend I have a boyfriend both long term relationships, we just got along well, it felt like we had a lot in common. The guy from work plays in a band and asked if we (both Terry and I) wanted to go see him play - so we went to a local bar and saw the band, not really either of our scenes but still a good time...a few weeks after the guy from my work wanted me (and some of my friends) to go out to the bars with him - I did not go but he had sent a text msg to my cell phone asking if I would and telling me where they would be - I sign most of my messages with Luv Shannon - so now Terry thinks that I am cheating on him with this guy...my life has been a living hell ever since.
I never thought that having a friend of the opposite sex was that big of a deal, Terry told me that it was a big deal to him...he feels like a guy never wants to be JUST FRIENDS with a female - there is always something more behind it (which I find to be ridiculous). Anyway, it bothers him so I told him that I would just end the friendship - my relationship was more important. Besides that after he thought that I was cheating on him, he decides that he is going to go through all of my personal stuff, reads journals etc...he found a letter that I wrote during a hard time in our relationship - I wrote to "him" a person that I hoped to meet one day, not a really person but just someone anyone...because he went through my personal things and found this - he now insists that I wrote this letter to the guy that I work with...which I did not!
I used to see a counselor who told me that it was good to write when I was upset or confused so that is what I do - I figure my life out by writing - I feel like this outlet has been taken away from me...my personal thoughts and feelings have been stolen from me...it makes me feel violated!
Anyway, he tells me yesterday that everything that he is feeling "has nothing to do with him, nothing at all" it is all my fault that he feels this way - here is an idea GENIUS....if you did not snoop through my personal feelings and read something that was not intended for you...hell, it was not intended for anyone except for me...you would not feel this way, now you turn it around and believe what you want...you know what...you got what you deserve for violating my space!
Guess what...it is your fault...for not asking me, talking to me, for jumping to conclusions!
Well, I have lost the energy to continue venting at this point. Hopefully, whatever it is that is causing these problems (because he still will not inform me) will be over with soon.
Terry had borrowed a laptop from his brother so that he could get some pictures that he had saved onto it - so I was using it also while it was at our house (we have a computer but it is a pile of crap so we never use it).
Everyone and their brother uses this laptop...there is AIM on the computer and seriously there are 15 different user names of different people that have signed onto the AIM with that laptop. I do not have an AIM account, I have not used instant messengers since I lived at home with my parents and had dial up AOL in 1999 (or maybe even earlier than that) so, needless to say I have not used it in YEARS...and some people have their passwords saved so all that you have to do it click sign in - so he takes it upon himself to sign into someones AIM account (probably his niece since her initials are TT and that was basically the entire screen name) and is reading the messages that people are sending...this apparently is only there because I am up to something - it was a 10 year old AIM that he was signed into - all of the messages were talking about Summer 07 and how it is finally here...but that apparently is all a big cover up and really I downloaded the AIM to the computer and was talking on it to people and then closing it out when he came into the room.
He is starting to get a little out of control. I told him to call his brother and ask who's screen name it was - hoping that would ease the situation because I do not even know who's it was...and he says...don't worry I will find out who's it is....CRAZY! He is CRAZY!
Everything is starting to take it toll on me, I am running out of the emotional energy that I need to get through the day - I can feel the effects that it is taking on me physically, and I know this is not a healthy relationship, but I can't help but keep trying. We used to have the best relationship in the world, he was my best friend, now I feel like I don't even know him and he does not even care to know me anymore.
A few months ago I was talking to a guy at work...harmless, we were just friends, he has a girlfriend I have a boyfriend both long term relationships, we just got along well, it felt like we had a lot in common. The guy from work plays in a band and asked if we (both Terry and I) wanted to go see him play - so we went to a local bar and saw the band, not really either of our scenes but still a good time...a few weeks after the guy from my work wanted me (and some of my friends) to go out to the bars with him - I did not go but he had sent a text msg to my cell phone asking if I would and telling me where they would be - I sign most of my messages with Luv Shannon - so now Terry thinks that I am cheating on him with this guy...my life has been a living hell ever since.
I never thought that having a friend of the opposite sex was that big of a deal, Terry told me that it was a big deal to him...he feels like a guy never wants to be JUST FRIENDS with a female - there is always something more behind it (which I find to be ridiculous). Anyway, it bothers him so I told him that I would just end the friendship - my relationship was more important. Besides that after he thought that I was cheating on him, he decides that he is going to go through all of my personal stuff, reads journals etc...he found a letter that I wrote during a hard time in our relationship - I wrote to "him" a person that I hoped to meet one day, not a really person but just someone anyone...because he went through my personal things and found this - he now insists that I wrote this letter to the guy that I work with...which I did not!
I used to see a counselor who told me that it was good to write when I was upset or confused so that is what I do - I figure my life out by writing - I feel like this outlet has been taken away from me...my personal thoughts and feelings have been stolen from me...it makes me feel violated!
Anyway, he tells me yesterday that everything that he is feeling "has nothing to do with him, nothing at all" it is all my fault that he feels this way - here is an idea GENIUS....if you did not snoop through my personal feelings and read something that was not intended for you...hell, it was not intended for anyone except for me...you would not feel this way, now you turn it around and believe what you want...you know what...you got what you deserve for violating my space!
Guess what...it is your fault...for not asking me, talking to me, for jumping to conclusions!
Well, I have lost the energy to continue venting at this point. Hopefully, whatever it is that is causing these problems (because he still will not inform me) will be over with soon.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Why did you have to go and make things so Complicated?
It feels like you acting like somebody else making me frustrated....
Avril said it right! That is without a doubt! I am really not sure what is happening to my relationship with Terry - I thought that things were going so good, but now I am doubting everything...where did we go wrong.
I want more, I want marriage...to work for everything together. He makes it feel more like we are battling each other each step of the way...like we are competing AGAINST each other rather than together. I don't know how to make things get better. I feel lost. He is always telling me that I don't want to be with him...that I am only sticking around because of Dylan...logically, that explains why we were together for 3 years before I got pregnant...so of course it would make sense that is the only reason I am still here! I don't do anything, go anywhere...it is starting to really get to me.
I don't want to leave but it feels like that is what he is trying to get me to do! I don't know if it is, he tells me he is not, but it isn't like he is going to tell me, yeah Shannon, I am trying to get you to leave me.
It kind of feels like I am running out of options. I am still going to keep trying...I hope in the end it turns out to be well worth it!
Avril said it right! That is without a doubt! I am really not sure what is happening to my relationship with Terry - I thought that things were going so good, but now I am doubting everything...where did we go wrong.
I want more, I want marriage...to work for everything together. He makes it feel more like we are battling each other each step of the way...like we are competing AGAINST each other rather than together. I don't know how to make things get better. I feel lost. He is always telling me that I don't want to be with him...that I am only sticking around because of Dylan...logically, that explains why we were together for 3 years before I got pregnant...so of course it would make sense that is the only reason I am still here! I don't do anything, go anywhere...it is starting to really get to me.
I don't want to leave but it feels like that is what he is trying to get me to do! I don't know if it is, he tells me he is not, but it isn't like he is going to tell me, yeah Shannon, I am trying to get you to leave me.
It kind of feels like I am running out of options. I am still going to keep trying...I hope in the end it turns out to be well worth it!
Monday, July 2, 2007
Let me just say...
During my last entry, I was pretty upset. Please don't take it as me giving up, moving on or anything along those lines.
I truly do love Terry more than anything, I know relationships have their ups and downs this just happens to be one of our downs. We always work through our problems and I have no doubt in my mind that we will get through whatever this is, we always do.
I have started to calm down so things should be okay once I get home. The things he says sometimes are just so hurtful...I know that he says them out of hurt, anger and frustration but they still hurt...if he means them or not.
He does, will and has apologized for the things he says...it helps a little but it doesn't fix anything...sometimes saying you are sorry just sounds like, well, a line of crap.
I am sure that everything will be okay come 5:30...and honestly, I feel better now that I got to carry on about it for a little while.
I truly do love Terry more than anything, I know relationships have their ups and downs this just happens to be one of our downs. We always work through our problems and I have no doubt in my mind that we will get through whatever this is, we always do.
I have started to calm down so things should be okay once I get home. The things he says sometimes are just so hurtful...I know that he says them out of hurt, anger and frustration but they still hurt...if he means them or not.
He does, will and has apologized for the things he says...it helps a little but it doesn't fix anything...sometimes saying you are sorry just sounds like, well, a line of crap.
I am sure that everything will be okay come 5:30...and honestly, I feel better now that I got to carry on about it for a little while.
I'm Fake...and A Mistake
At least that is what I have been told!
I am not a very affectionate person, I never have been...I don't see myself ever being. There are reasons, I just don't have the energy in me right now to get into them.
Anyway, I have been with Terry for 7 years, we have a 27 month old son, we had even been talking about having another. Last night Terry decided that after 7 years that he thinks that I am "fake" and I am also a "mistake".
Now, as far as I know...everything was fine until AF came to visit early...now he is telling me that I am making that up just so I don't have to have sex with him! It is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard! It is not my fault that my body does not have a regular cycle...I don't know how you expect me to control that aspect of my life...don't you think that if I had figured out how to do so that I would have done it by now.
He told me that things need to change...I need to change...but when I ask what it is that he wants me to do...I get nothing! He tells me that I act "weird" or "strange" I ask what it is that I am doing that makes him feel that way...he tells me "you just are" WTF is that supposed to mean? No, Seriously! I want to know.
He says the most hurtful things in the world to me and then tells me that he does not feel loved...he tells me that he knows that I love him but I could show it...I ask HOW would you like me to show you that I love you...what would I have to do to "show" you that you are loved...again...nothing.
I am so hurt right now, I am confused, I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I am lost, overwhelmed, hurt, confused, unhappy, I feel trapped inside of my own home...I am starting to hate everything about my life and I don't know what to do to change things...I don't even know what exactly I should be changing.
All I know is that apparently whatever I do is never going to be good enough...I am never going to be good enough....I am a mistake...so where does that leave me??? Where do I go from here?
I wish I had the answers...I wish that I knew how to make this pain I am feeling go away...I wish that I knew how to make my heart stop racing and my head stop spinning!
I wish that I knew how to make this wrenching feeling that has consumed my body to just go away...really right now I wish that I could curl up into a hole is disappear for a while.
I am not a very affectionate person, I never have been...I don't see myself ever being. There are reasons, I just don't have the energy in me right now to get into them.
Anyway, I have been with Terry for 7 years, we have a 27 month old son, we had even been talking about having another. Last night Terry decided that after 7 years that he thinks that I am "fake" and I am also a "mistake".
Now, as far as I know...everything was fine until AF came to visit early...now he is telling me that I am making that up just so I don't have to have sex with him! It is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard! It is not my fault that my body does not have a regular cycle...I don't know how you expect me to control that aspect of my life...don't you think that if I had figured out how to do so that I would have done it by now.
He told me that things need to change...I need to change...but when I ask what it is that he wants me to do...I get nothing! He tells me that I act "weird" or "strange" I ask what it is that I am doing that makes him feel that way...he tells me "you just are" WTF is that supposed to mean? No, Seriously! I want to know.
He says the most hurtful things in the world to me and then tells me that he does not feel loved...he tells me that he knows that I love him but I could show it...I ask HOW would you like me to show you that I love you...what would I have to do to "show" you that you are loved...again...nothing.
I am so hurt right now, I am confused, I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I am lost, overwhelmed, hurt, confused, unhappy, I feel trapped inside of my own home...I am starting to hate everything about my life and I don't know what to do to change things...I don't even know what exactly I should be changing.
All I know is that apparently whatever I do is never going to be good enough...I am never going to be good enough....I am a mistake...so where does that leave me??? Where do I go from here?
I wish I had the answers...I wish that I knew how to make this pain I am feeling go away...I wish that I knew how to make my heart stop racing and my head stop spinning!
I wish that I knew how to make this wrenching feeling that has consumed my body to just go away...really right now I wish that I could curl up into a hole is disappear for a while.
TTC (1)
So, AF came to visit...only she decided that 12 days early was good timing! So, we will keep trying!
I am starting to feel like my body hates me! There is nothing regular about my cycle...it comes 21, 24, 36, 36, 30 and then 19 days apart! Driving me CRAZY! Needless to say...it is pretty impossible to figure out when you are fertile the old fashioned way when your body does not want to corporate with you!
I have had a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend. Well, Saturday was fine but for some reason Sunday (yesterday) was not. I am not sure what the problem was but it seemed like all day nothing I did was good enough for Terry, everything seemed to cause an argument. Maybe it was stress I don't know...but I know it was not pleasant. I was about to go and stay at my mothers house for the night just so that I could get a peaceful night sleep where I did not have to worry about him arguing with me all night, I was tired already I didn't need that too! But no, I stayed and guess what - he argued with me until about 1am, then Dylan woke up for no apparent reason at 4am it took me until 5am to get him to go back to sleep, then the alarm was going off at 6am for Terry - which he just ignored and stayed in bed so at 6:50, I got to listen to him complain about how he needs to hurry up and get to work before he is late (supposed to be there at 7am - he is lucky that the current job site is only up the street from our house) but he needs help getting stuff into his truck (he had hernia surgery in early May so he is not supposed to be lifting too much yet) so I was up...with a whole 4 hours and 50 minutes of sleep (I am also counting the time that it took me to fall back to sleep as sleep time so it is really less than that).
Ugghhhh! I hate Mondays! At least it is a short week due to the 4th being on a Wednesday - I need SOMETHING to break up my week! Damn! Just remembered that I offered to switch shifts with someone at work on Thursday...which means I get to come in even earlier! Yippie!
I had dinner at my Dad's yesterday...just like every Sunday but it was nice...John and Joel had a party that they were going to for someone that they work with...Terry just did not feel like going with me so it was just Dad, Dylan, Me and my Mom came too (my parents are separated but they still get along...so she sometimes joins us at his house and he sometimes joins us at hers depending on what if anything is going on...Holidays, Birthdays, just for no reason at all sometimes like yesterday). So it was nice, and peaceful!
Well, I am going to get to work...hopefully something falls into place this week...like maybe my financial aid for the Fall Semester..we shall see...
I am starting to feel like my body hates me! There is nothing regular about my cycle...it comes 21, 24, 36, 36, 30 and then 19 days apart! Driving me CRAZY! Needless to say...it is pretty impossible to figure out when you are fertile the old fashioned way when your body does not want to corporate with you!
I have had a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend. Well, Saturday was fine but for some reason Sunday (yesterday) was not. I am not sure what the problem was but it seemed like all day nothing I did was good enough for Terry, everything seemed to cause an argument. Maybe it was stress I don't know...but I know it was not pleasant. I was about to go and stay at my mothers house for the night just so that I could get a peaceful night sleep where I did not have to worry about him arguing with me all night, I was tired already I didn't need that too! But no, I stayed and guess what - he argued with me until about 1am, then Dylan woke up for no apparent reason at 4am it took me until 5am to get him to go back to sleep, then the alarm was going off at 6am for Terry - which he just ignored and stayed in bed so at 6:50, I got to listen to him complain about how he needs to hurry up and get to work before he is late (supposed to be there at 7am - he is lucky that the current job site is only up the street from our house) but he needs help getting stuff into his truck (he had hernia surgery in early May so he is not supposed to be lifting too much yet) so I was up...with a whole 4 hours and 50 minutes of sleep (I am also counting the time that it took me to fall back to sleep as sleep time so it is really less than that).
Ugghhhh! I hate Mondays! At least it is a short week due to the 4th being on a Wednesday - I need SOMETHING to break up my week! Damn! Just remembered that I offered to switch shifts with someone at work on Thursday...which means I get to come in even earlier! Yippie!
I had dinner at my Dad's yesterday...just like every Sunday but it was nice...John and Joel had a party that they were going to for someone that they work with...Terry just did not feel like going with me so it was just Dad, Dylan, Me and my Mom came too (my parents are separated but they still get along...so she sometimes joins us at his house and he sometimes joins us at hers depending on what if anything is going on...Holidays, Birthdays, just for no reason at all sometimes like yesterday). So it was nice, and peaceful!
Well, I am going to get to work...hopefully something falls into place this week...like maybe my financial aid for the Fall Semester..we shall see...
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