Sunday

So, I am currently listening to the Dixie Chicks...don't ask, I have no idea why.

But anyway, I am listening to "Without You" and seriously except for the fact that Terry and I are still together - I still kind of feels like it fits, you know what I mean? I am being totally 100% serious, who would I be without Terry? I have no idea that I can ever answer the question, I couldn't imagine my life without him, he has become a part of me without me ever seeing it coming - don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I just wish I could remember when it occured, I wish there was some defining moment, but there isn't, honestly, I think that he completed me from the moment I met him. We still have our differences a lot of the time, but that is just because we are too much alike, we are both very stubborn and very hard headed...that combination does not make arguments easy!

But in the end, no matter what words come out of our mouths at the end of the night, we still love one another.

Who knows, maybe I am in the "depressing music" kind of mood due to my parents divorce being final, as of yesterday, when my father got the final paperwork in the mail. I feel lost in a way - I am turning 25 in less than three weeks and a major foundation of my existance is now over. As I am writing, I can't help but wonder what they are doing at this moment, is my father crying like I am, is my mother regretting being the one who started the paperwork aspect of it all? Although it was over anyway, does she feel like it is her fault? I know she does, on the very rare ocassion that we are discussing the topic, she starts to get teary and tell me how sorry she is for ruining our lives. While my broken heart wants to scream at her that she is, my logic and reason tells me to "...shut the hell up! You know that isn't true!"

At the end of the day, I want to curl up on my bed, lost in the blankets, with my mother by my side telling me that it is going to be ok. I want to be 15 again, yelling at my parents and slamming the door, knowing damn well when I finally opened it again, that they will both, together, be right there. I want Thanksgiving to not be akward, I want to wake up Christmas morning, with my family, together, whole, "normal" - I want everything to go back to the way it was, and that is the one thing I will never be able to have.

Seeing the two of them so lonely breaks my heart.

When people told me, "You can never go back home", I never appreciated that they meant that literally, I think that may be one of the biggest things of "growing up" that scares the hell out of me...I could handle being on my own, knowing that no matter what I could always go back...now, there is no where to go back to. Neither of them even lives in the same house, I feel like my memories have slightly been washed away, and I would do anything to get them back...to walk into a room and be overwhelemed with memories of events that happened within those walls, I can still see them in my mind, but somehow if does not feel the same.

Over the past two to three weeks, I feel as though I am drifting apart from my family, I can't help but wonder if it is me pushing them away - it is something that I am very well known to do! Regardless, I feel as if I am losing something, and since I have no idea what it is, I haven't got the slightest idea how to get it back...I am afraid that by time I finally do, it will be to late.

I guess I just feel broken, like a part of me is now missing, and I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel whole again, will I ever feel normal?