So this is what going over the edge feels like...

So, yesterday apparently was the exception rather than the norm.

As soon as I woke up this morning, it was back to being worthless. It is my fault that he did not wake up in time for work...I woke him up at 6am when the alarm went off, then again at 6:30 when he cell was ringing, then the alarm went off at 7 for me and he finally woke up...it is however my fault that he was not up when he was supposed to be...apparently that is not the responsibility of an adult...to make sure you are up in time for YOUR JOB!

Then, it was one thing after another so far for the rest of the day. I was about 15 minutes late calling him (from when I usually do) when I got off of my break...but when I came back inside I called the people about my student loans - I need paperwork from them in order to get financial aid for next semester that is going to start the end of August, and I still have so much to do before I can finally go back.

So, that was one fight. Then at 12:28 (keep in mind I take my lunch at 12:30) he calls flipping out on me because every time he calls me he gets my voicemail...he says... "What, do you talk on the phone all day".....ummmm...yes asshole...that is my job - I work in a CALL CENTER! Then, I left to go to lunch, everyday I go to his brothers...now apparently I am sleeping with the guy that lives in the apartment upstairs from his brother as well as the guy from my work...then he calls one of his brothers cell phones like 15 times while I was there (I am only there for about 20 minutes before I have to come back to work)!

I called him when I got back to work - he continued to fight and argue with me, I hung up - I told him that I just can't handle fighting with him anymore - he immediately calls back to explain to me that this is all my fault (it always is...) and calls again to tell me that he does not want to fight with me.

Normally, I would be a mess right now, barley able to function, crying, emotional... but, I'm not.

Surprisingly, I have no emotion at all at the present moment. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what that means exactly. Am i really over him? Am I really ready to just move on?

I wish I had the answer. Terry has become such a big part of my life, right now, I am regretting letting him in. The way that he has been acting, treating me like he owns me, talks to me like I am some 8 year old piece of shit that doesn't have the right to breath - makes me question every moment of my life for the past 7 years, I keep trying to remember why I was here to begin with - why I thought that "us" was even worth all of the trouble I feel like I am going through now.

I wish that I had the answers, I wish that I had the courage to leave and just move on....but, I can never make any decisions...I hate making decisions - they always haunt me later in life!

It is days like these that make me question everything I thought I knew, about myself, my life, where I am going and where I want to be - what ever made me think that I was an adult...I obviously can't get my shit together.