I'm Fake...and A Mistake

At least that is what I have been told!

I am not a very affectionate person, I never have been...I don't see myself ever being. There are reasons, I just don't have the energy in me right now to get into them.

Anyway, I have been with Terry for 7 years, we have a 27 month old son, we had even been talking about having another. Last night Terry decided that after 7 years that he thinks that I am "fake" and I am also a "mistake".

Now, as far as I know...everything was fine until AF came to visit early...now he is telling me that I am making that up just so I don't have to have sex with him! It is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard! It is not my fault that my body does not have a regular cycle...I don't know how you expect me to control that aspect of my life...don't you think that if I had figured out how to do so that I would have done it by now.

He told me that things need to change...I need to change...but when I ask what it is that he wants me to do...I get nothing! He tells me that I act "weird" or "strange" I ask what it is that I am doing that makes him feel that way...he tells me "you just are" WTF is that supposed to mean? No, Seriously! I want to know.

He says the most hurtful things in the world to me and then tells me that he does not feel loved...he tells me that he knows that I love him but I could show it...I ask HOW would you like me to show you that I love you...what would I have to do to "show" you that you are loved...again...nothing.

I am so hurt right now, I am confused, I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I am lost, overwhelmed, hurt, confused, unhappy, I feel trapped inside of my own home...I am starting to hate everything about my life and I don't know what to do to change things...I don't even know what exactly I should be changing.

All I know is that apparently whatever I do is never going to be good enough...I am never going to be good enough....I am a mistake...so where does that leave me??? Where do I go from here?

I wish I had the answers...I wish that I knew how to make this pain I am feeling go away...I wish that I knew how to make my heart stop racing and my head stop spinning!

I wish that I knew how to make this wrenching feeling that has consumed my body to just go away...really right now I wish that I could curl up into a hole is disappear for a while.